Sorry

I am terribly sorry I offended some  of my kids.  It has been a long couple weeks, with Roger not  working and with me being sick the past couple days.  I am sorry.  I should   not have posted.  Please forgive me.

Life is always a challenge !!

I am needing somewhere to vent tgat isnt facebook!  It has been   so long i am oretty sure noone will read this.  You what that  is fine with me.   Bob is now married, and lives on his "own"  theirnatural gas has been off about for a couple of months.  Therefore they shower at my house !  Theyhave also gone to eating at my house most days.  Only unlike if they lived with me its like they are visiting .  I feel like i need to be present; on ; if you will.  Which means i do t get off time. 

I am now babysitting a wonderful 17 month old boy.  He is such  a delight!  He is getting me more  active which is good.  Wheni started the first of march; i weighed in at 365 lbs.  Practically the heaviest i have ever been.  As of yesterday i am down 10 lbs.  I joined weight watchers this week, though I am really struggling  wwith understanding   the smart points,  more specifically   what I can  eat.  2 weeks agoi was diagnosed   with type 2 diabetes.  Also have high blood pressure, throid problems, depression  and anxiety.  My knees andback are messed up.  I also have "pos".  My health has become a major issue.  I currently   have bronchitis  and a sinus infection.  Which both are pretty normal for me.

3 weeks ago roger was laid off, he is amazing and starts a new job  Thursday ,  he is so excited!  Me i ammore concerned   about how we are going to pay rent with the gap in paychecks.  Let alone gas and groceries .  God has always provided; and i know he will this time.

Chris is still homeless.  Hemostly hasbeen since he left the state   system a year ago.  Although   he always has somewhere   to stay and does a lot of fun things.  He is a pro at minuplate anyway for anything .  He comes over every couple weeks; calls most days.  He really stresses me out when he is around. He is very much a young immature   10 year old with adult thoughts; and issues,  he is 18.  He has bipolar abd refuses to be on meds. i a much better   with boundaries   with him them with Bob. Chris is not allowed to spend the night, or travel  with me.  Too much water under that bridge, that ship has sailed .

Bekah just turned 13, i wonder some days if she just turned 3!!!  She is super smart academicly.  Like taking highschool classes as a 7th graderand carring the highest  grade  in the class,  she will go far!!  When it comes to housework and chores.  Iyiyi!  She is whiney, and lazy, and mouthy. She always has an excuse to get out of chores.  Something hurts, too much homework ,  after her bedtime.  Ect.....  she also is a first year trombone   player, first chairm and a second year trumpet player also firstchair.  I am very proud of her, but we clash alk the  time! !!!

Then there   is Sarah. She would prefer to be off with friends having fun then home.   She is very smart in school, for her good grades  are her ticket to social time. She does chores very half heartedly,  and quickky so she can leave.  Very frustrating   for me.

I feel like i fight with the girls alk the  time about chores,  i physically  struggle with lots of pain when i cook, do dishes and sweep.  I think they think it is a farse so i can make them  do it. 

I am positive and working atmaking lots of changes right now.  Feels like a forever project.  My faith is strong, though i really struggle with  getti g involved in any of the adult  classes at  church.   I dint feel   nourished  and fed. I really   struggle with reading Gods word, i am not self diciplined   and self cobtrol is a joke.  These are what i pray about and ask God for help with daily,

Change of plans

We spent the summer planning and preparing.  The 4th day of school myworld blew up.  I was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  I had tge signs of having a heart attack.  Thankfully it was a stress related panick attack.  I  spent 4 days in tge hospital.  While there  had an ovarian  cyst rupture.  I am much better but it was decided by everyone that i needed to reduce my stress and fast.  We enrolled the girls back into public school.  Rachel moved back in with her father.  I was left to recoverin peace.  At church i was scheduled to start teaching the 1--2 grade sunday school class.  My helper switched place swith me so she is the teacher and i am the helper.

All of this being  said it has not helped my depression.  The past 6 weeks have felt very dark and lonely.  I packed most of the  homeschool   stuff away.  Roger doesnt want me to sell it or get  rid of it; just in case.  So every time  i go to the deep freezer or go to change over laundry, there sits a sad reminder of what could have been.

A dear friend has been really quite encouraging to me the past couple weeks.  She has had me come help her do bulition   boards at church.  She has been a wonderful sounding board to help work through some of the feelings and emotion of my whole world being ripped from underneath me.  I thank  God daily for that friendship.  I am better but have a long way to go.

To improve my health i need desperately   to loose weight.  But i have serious   motivation  issues.  Also doing exercise tends to be extra painful with a bum knee and chronic back issues.  Ì let my   gym membership  go as it was just toomuch miney right now.  Roger brought me a pedometer home the other  day,  it is connected to our health insurance.  There are cash incentives formeeting preset goals.  He gave it tome o Friday , i have started walking everyday slowly but surely.  I have not made any of the preset goals but i havent given up yet either.   I am going to keep walking!!☺
Someday i might even meet one of their preset goals!!  Just getting out of my chair and walking around the block everyday is my first goal.  So far i have made 3/5 days.